I cry and wretch
Clutching
my gut
Like
some Greek tragedy
Trying
to pull the pain out.
I
lose and am lost in the same instant:
“You’re
not in love with me
And
you can’t ever see it happening?”
…
“yes.”
Undeniable
truth.
Thank y o u.
The
emptiness in my chest returns.
It’s
always there.
It
was only covered up.
By h o p e.
I
feel the fool again.
I
showed myself.
Maybe
if I just showed myself -
Pride fallen to the dirt
Like
rich clothes I didn’t deserve –
Nakedness dropping
Its prideful specialness.
Only
virgins feel humiliation
Displaying touchable realness.
Why
do I keep trying
For this now-known payoff?
Make my self sick.
How to have dignity?
When so needy and clutching
Clutching straws of attention
Angsty
and neediness
Drives off every Go-d?
“You are smart ...and beautiful!”
Then why am I alone?
“You are strong...and decisive!”
No
one attends the strong,
Not til
them selves die.
Those
who might love me?
I
know are no good.
I already knew that.
BUT,
those I do want?
I know now
broken as well…
but otherwise
I'd convinced
my self ?
All
distraction.
Can I
work.
Can I
work.
Can I
accomplish?
All down the drain
To the eternal:
"Why
am I here?"
Cried impotently.
How
do I BEAT
out of my self
the burdening desire
to be
loved!?!?
Every
love lost -
Dying
over and over and over,
Over over over over over... over,
Dying
inside little by little -
Another
piece ripped away.
There’s
no thing
worth while to love.
Call
the others who took
the
pieces of my love parts
off with them.
Please
don’t touch me.
Could start to want you.
I
don’t want to want
anyone anymore.
I
don’t want to want
anything anymore.
I’m
already dead
Except
that I feel pain.
I
am a living hell.
Despite
myself,
I’ll
burn you.
I’m
sorry.
I’m
sorry.
I’m
sorry
I fail so miserably
This "being human" thing.
Please
spare me.
Please.
Have mercy.
Please
just let me go.
~Volpini Amentum Arete Anemone
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